royul_thyme: (This is my determined face!)
[personal profile] royul_thyme
y'know what? life isn't all that bad, and i feel like talkin' about somethin'. about how No One Thinks I Or Someone Else Can Accomplish Anything, and how the Smallest of Things End Up Being the Strongest.

i always make plans to do cool things. hang out with cool people, message that one cool person, go to Disneyworld again and round up all my friends from over the years, meet the members of My Chemical Romance--well, most of those things never happened, and some of them never will. it's a thing. goals are great, but they don't always happen. that's one thing. a dream, now that's another.

My dream is to be the best damn detective in all the worlds. i'm going to be a private eye, and be a damn good one at that. I'm going to base my operations in New York City, Manhattan style, in a nice rental place with a beautiful, sharp sign of green, white, and black. maybe checkerboard involved somewhere. anyone asks me this, that's what i tell them. I've yet to meet someone who thinks i can do it.

and that's okay, that's normal. i'm an idiot, a lot of the time. i don't hold myself with any great poise or confidence, or really any self esteem at all, excluding some talents. i'm silly, and a dreamer, and fantastical and whimsical. i get pulled along with twists in stories, and i can't decipher someone's family history by the mud on their shoes. but I know I have the potential. i know I can do it. even if I doubt it sometimes, i know i can. and that's all that matters. just because someone tells me I can't do it, doesn't make it true.

however, despite how strongly i hold onto my dreams and childhood stories, to Peter Pan and Jack Frost and Narnia, with lions roaring and gazelles galloping into the distance--sometimes I doubt myself. I wonder if i should even be doing this at all. trying. and lately, i've been wondering that a lot. but you know what?

recently, I tried for something. I tried to break my pattern of planning for awesome things that never happened. for years i've been following LJ RP communities, mostly content in my audience participation. which is to say that I didn't participate at all. one year of polychromatic's The City, and four years of LJ's Camp Fuck You Die. i watched, and i read, and i enjoyed. but i always wished, always fantasized that i would be able to join the throngs of awesome people and have a little fun, too. I created journal after journal, icon after icon, trying to come up with the bravery all the while. i never found the courage.

until i started Percy Jackson and the Olympians: The Last Olympian. i had created a word document on Percy, planning on playing him somewhere. i compile information from the books and stuff like that for every character that I want to play somewhere. and I thought Percy would be the one, maybe, some day. but then....oh then i was wrong. and Nico spoke to me. with his awkwardness and his stupidness and hypocrisy and well-meaning honesty and angst and desire to prove himself and Do The Right Thing. plus death powers. who doesn't love death powers? so...i started writing. and writing. and writing. and finally i spit out an app. and I apped to my dream place.

and you know what? I accomplished something. i look at my threads now, and all these cool people who are becoming my friends, or who already have, and I think.....hey. i'm in a way better place than i was two years ago, even four years ago. I did this. and this is a good thing.

so I can do good things, i thought to myself. it affirmed for me that I can accomplish rad things if i try hard enough and put forward enough effort. i'm not an idiot. i'm not. i'm a clever fucking sonuvabitch, and I can do whatever I set my mind to.

or at least, that's what I'll tell myself for the next ten years. (ugh, old.)

it's only been a month and a half, and Camp has given me the courage to fight for my dreams. that's kind of a scary thought. but i like it.

RAISE ANCHOR, SET COURSE FOR A NEW FUTURE. Due East-Northeast. and no one can stop me but myself. and whatever dark island or enemy pirates i run into.

this has been an emotional, overly dramatic post. i'm not sorry. you may now return to your regularly scheduled bullshit, due in a few days i'm sure ;u;
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July 2014

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