[personal profile] royul_thyme
and I keep coming up short

so. I made plans for tomorrow. I was going to drive two hours to go get an ingredient I need that you can't get here. because this town fucking sucks. and you know, I was going to plurk a "calling all bets! calling all bets! who thinks now that I've made my own plans for once, my in-town friend will be making plans including me and expecting me to follow through???"

and guess what. I was fucking right. she texts me "hey can you drive me around for some errands, cuz [her fiancée] will have my car"

so I go, of course, "yeah sure, long as it's in the early day :3"

she goes "it would be whenever [he] and I come back from the lake with the boat. why, got a hot date tomorrow or something? lol"

it's always about romance with her. I frown and go "haha no, i'm driving to Saint Cloud" She, of course, replies with "why in the world are you going to Saint Cloud"

not that it's any of her business, I text back "I have to get an ingredient" upon further heckling, I say "meringue powder to make sugar skulls."

so she proceeds to tell me how stupid that is, because after getting the brand out of me, the ingredients in the brand are the exact same as the $4 one she has. I tell her "no, this is the only kind of meringue powder that'll hold the sugar skulls. the other stuff just won't work, it's not strong enough" she says "the only difference is it's kosher that's all it is" and so I try to keep calm, thinking 'maybe I just wanted to drive for a ways and be by myself did you ever think of that'

my god, I just. I don' need to validate everything. now I feel like shit because wow yeah why did I ever want to make sugar skulls in the beginning anyway. gee, I don't know, because I have friends???? friends who aren't her?????? gasp, I know. unlikely.

why does she pull this shit, I just don't understand. I was find driving her on errands. and the moment I talk about doing anything on my own, she questions everything about my reasoning. even "wow who do you know who hasn't had sugar skulls before? the students in German got them from Spanish class every year!"

well maybe not everyone lives the same way as you have in your small, cut-off town. ugh........... wow i'm being mean. really mean. but I am so sick of this shit she pulls. this isn't even that bad, i'm overreacting... but it's all the little things usually that build up with her. I just..............

ahsdofiasdpfoidshfois fpoiahsdfpo disopfhipasodifspoad fhaospif saodpf every time she does something like this, I feel like I can never do anything. I go "wow why am I even trying anything I always fail this is dumb why do I do things"

she said something like "lol when we made sugar skulls it was a horrible failure and it was a bitch t clean up. have fun with that." I responded with "oh I will~" but of course, I was not happy.

thank you. thank you very much. for your vote of confidence once again. because you believe I can do anything. no... no, that's sarcasm. she doesn't think I can do anything that I attempt. unless it's computer-related, and then she STILL second-guesses me... which makes me second-guess myself... ugh. I appreciate honesty, and I want all my friends to feel like they can say anything to me and speak their mind, but... she could at least pretend to believe in me.

"ha at least i'm going into a profession that i'm good at. you, not so much"

I just laugh, but it really does sting. I don't have anyone who thinks I can do it. be a private eye. no one. definitely not Dad, maybe my mom, but I doubt it...... maybe my brothers. but we don't do the touchy-feely thing. if we show affection it has to be through annoying means

......I think I've found the root of this problem here. why something so small pissed me off so much. i'm tired of her questioning how I live, who I am, and who and what I want to be. that's what it is.

if she would just accept those things and stop going "WOW UR SO WEIRD!!!!!!! LOL" it would be grand

this has been an enlightening experience
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