royul_thyme: (DuDe WhErE iS eVeRyBoDy?)
[personal profile] royul_thyme
i'm going to call her Ly from now on. because "L" is too close to my Death Note feels, and "A" is Pretty Little Liars (I don't watch it) so... yeah.

I was at her place yesterday, hanging Halloween stuff up for her while she did her homework. which, whatever. I like Halloween, love it. and I'm excited for it. but before that, we had gone to the Halloween store together. and then Hu Hot, a stir fry kinda place, buffet style.

after we were done eating, and Ly had mentioned that she has a paper to write that she doesn't want to, I said, "Hey, wanna put it off and see my cleaner apartment?" cuz my mom had helped me get it in order, and it looks really awesome now. just like, four boxes that I need to unpack. she said, kind of surpised, "Yeah, sure. could come and hang up Halloween stuff at my place while I work on my paper. Which sounds more fun..."

I kind of laughed nervously and said, "Uh yeah, sure. That could be cool." She's holding a Halloween party, and it's gonna be awesome. i'm going, it's gonna be on the 2nd of November. (I turned her down for sober cabbing for her Halloween night, because I don't wanna spend my Halloween at a bar. no way in hell.)

so I agreed, and I went back home, grabbed my computer, and went to her place after a bit. I spent most of the night tagging a bit, watching Finding Neverland, and hanging up Halloween decorations in a place that isn't mine and will never be mine. oh, and reviewing her papers because she was tired and wasn't getting along with English that night.

now, i'm fine with helping her. I like helping her. i'm find with editing her papers; i'm just not doing her homework for her anymore. I played that game before. and Halloween decorating is fun. and hey, I still got to tag a little, and I got to watch a movie that I never got to finish before, and it was totally whimsical and dreamy and great.

but. after I left, and I got back to my apartment, I realized. she turned down an opportunity to see my renewed living space so that I could do work for her instead. not that I minded that much, but. if it were me, I would have gone to her place to check out how clean and awesome it was, rather than like...make her think that i'm using her.

this, along with everything else I've whined about on plurk, i'm starting to...doubt that she cares about me as much as I care about her. it helps to write it down, because it lets me, or helps me, stand back from the situation and see it from a kind-of-still-involved outsider's perspective.'s not looking good.

but the most important thing about all this, is the conversation we had while I was at Ly's place. her fiancée isn't living with her anymore. we were on the track of "you wanna come over tomorrow for hot dogs if I can figure out the grill?" and I was like "sure."

so she says, "You know this is going to become an everyday thing again."

I laughed. "No, I don't think so."

"You do know that I'm still going to ask you every day. And if you say no, I'll get annoyed and stop asking."

I tried for a smile. "I still want time to myself, you know."

"We lived together for two years," Ly said with some attitude.

"Yeah. But now we don't. I don't live here."

She laughed. "You might as well, with how much you're over here."

I thought, That's exactly my point. I don't want that anymore. I don't want to pretend I live over here, pseudo-roommate with you, and then leave at the end of the night like a used prostitute. I feel used. I feel caged. Lately, being at my apartment on my own more, I've felt more free.

but I didn't say that. I didn't want a fight. so I just shook my head and went back to my computer. and she went back to the dishes. and it was okay, for the moment.

I really should have said something. I should have explained to her how I feel. how I feel smothered by her, and how I want to live my own life and feel independent. get her to understand that while my feeling overwhelmed is the biggest reason for why my apartment has been a rat hole all this time...being with her all he time, at her place, is a large part of it. I can't exactly clean up the place and manage it if i'm never home.

while my mom was with me this last weekend, she told me, "You have to manage your own time. Because if you let anyone else do it, they'll manage it for you."

and that's what Ly has been doing all this time. she's been managing my life, and I've been letting her. and it needs to stop.

she's said this is her last con. well, that's just as well. that's just fine. i'll save some money, we'll hang out less, and I can get my life back. I've never been so "it's Friend X and D, connected at the hip, never separated" before in my life, even with my closest friends at the age of 9. I've always had my freedom. I've always had wings on my feet, and had the opportunity and taken the chance to leap off and away if I wanted to.

but I haven't here. not with her. and I need to. I never planned on being this attached to anyone before. I don't love her romantically, because ew. and even if I did, there's no way I would want a relationship like that with her. her romantic relationships are toxic. I don't want any of that. no matter what my sexual orientation says.

I just...had to put that down, writing in class while I should be taking notes instead, and not flood plurk with all this shit again. it's just more of the same. but...I know what I have to do now.

I have to take back my freedom, while still keeping her as a friend. if not being with her every day, if saying "no" to her makes her stop being my friend...then so be it. when I was nine, and I got fucked over by someone I thought was a friend, I realized something. An epiphany I guess. I told myself, "If someone says, 'Do this or I'm not your friend anymore,' then they were never your friend to begin with."

and it's true.

if that's how it's going to be, then so be it. I have other friends. and I can always make more. because as she said it--even though I don't believe it--friends are fleeting, right? why not prove her right.
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