royul_thyme | Sexual fantasies ahead! read at your own risk!

I think i finally get it. after, well enough people tease you for it, calling you something, and you start to wonder if you're exactly what they call you after all. Murderer, delinquent, queer... whatever it is, we tend to take on the roles we're given. in my case, at least for this, my nakama and my brother joked about it. they didn't mean anything by it, except maybe teme, but she wasn't meaning to be cruel. i think she was trying to show me, help me realize . . .

asexual.

i thought, "Am i really that messed up?" and "What's wrong with me..." I really thought that, when people said, "I would do him," or "fuck he's sexy, i want him in my bed right now," i thought they were joking. Apparently, i learned not too long ago, they're serious. they would really have sex with these people sorely for their looks and sexiness. I thought sexiness was just hotness. it is to me. physical attraction. But. so naturally, i wondered if I was different. there had to be something wrong with me, to never even fantasize about having sex with a single person, not even Jensen Ackles and David Tennant, whom are two extremely sexy men.

i get it now. I don't know what i want. no matter what I do, my fantasies jump all over the place. Whether it's a man, a woman, a friend of mine, or not even human at all, it doesn't make a difference. the pictures in my head, when i'm uh, masturbating, fade in and out. One moment it's a girl I know, the next it's Logan Lerman, and the images keep misting into another face, another body. It doesn't change a thing. i don't feel anything for anyone.

i mean come on, i have my fetishes. everyone does. may as well say it now, since it's pretty damn obvious everywhere i go--tentacles. it's tentacles. consentacles or tentacle noncon, it's all amazing. but that's the only way i can get turned on sexually. when it's something that will never happen, at least not with the technology i know of in the foreseeable future. unless i get really lucky and warp into a sci-fi world onto a planet of some kind... I'm screwed. ~~pun totally intended~~

so there you have it. I'm definitely asexual. ace? yeah. i mean, i suspected as much, but. it was almost official before, but now i can, with 100% certainty, label myself as such. i dunno if that feels good or...but at least i belong to a community now. right?

"When it comes to straightness, you're like me. You don't have it; you're curvy." Squiggly as all hell. ...guess this means i can go out with girls, huh? but I don't find girls physically attractive, except for the "wow she's beautiful" and the jealous "ugh her legs you whore not fair" and of course the ever-present "Ah, so I'd draw it that way... she has awesome tits, they curve like that... and her back, it arches... ah, but her hair! too perfect!" as i draw it in my head. ha...

i'm such a freak.