Nico

and I keep coming up short

( whining about my best friend within )

y'know what? life isn't all that bad, and i feel like talkin' about somethin'. about how No One Thinks I Or Someone Else Can Accomplish Anything, and how the Smallest of Things End Up Being the Strongest.

( prepare for a surprisingly lacking amount of wank and an increasing measure of shounen audacity )

oops. i think i have a new favorite musical artist. Sam Tsui is great. i first heard him in "Make It Up," but i've just downloaded his album that goes with that song, and then i clicked open "Shadow" thinking 'oh hey it'll be a Nico song, shadows, cool'

i was wrong

i think

but damn his voice is great. --oh, nevermind. "your shadow is still there it's something i can't touch...it's still there from yesterday can you leave me alone, i'm trying to forget you" wait....... that's not right.... "when you took it all you forgot your shadow" okay...... Calypso? no, i'm trying too hard. ANYWAY

Sam Tsui officially ties with--no okay, he is second to Adam ... uh. Owl City. because Adam sings about all the things i love except for books, and it is great. and maybe keys. but the main, whimsical things that i love he loves too. and he writes songs about it! catchy, lovely, techno songs and i love it.

( and then epiphany, random-ass epiphanies everywhere )

god, i just sobbed for ten minutes straight because im so overwhelmed

i'm doing nearly all the homework for three summer classes, which go by incredibly quickly. meaning extra big heapings of work.

i wake up at 8:30am, go to work at 10am, get back to my apartment at 3:12pm, eat and shower for the first time that day. Then i get crackin on my homework directly afterwards, which usually ends up being 4:30pm. my history quizzes and discussions are due at 11:59pm every night. Teme's feminism blog posts--which are the length of a one page essay--and discussions are due at 8pm every night, which a 4-6 page paper due every couple of days at 8am or noon. Then there's her biology that I help with while I'm at her place, which is four discussion questions and two essay questions, pretty much. Tonight I'm writing an actual paper for her bio class, which is actually pretty off script.

with all of that, I'm doing homework from 4:30pm to 3am. Sometimes 1am, if I'm lucky. that's 10 fucking hours of homework. non-stop. at least tonight i got a sandwich...

when I get home, i desperately cling to my online world, hoping that I can calm down and have some kind of down time. an hour or two of that, and I go to bed. Usually at around 4 or 5am. At 8:30am I get up, and I do it all again.

I can't fucking do this man. And I'm supposed to be working on my hardest cosplay project yet during all this fuckery? i can't fucking do that. i just. i wanted to die tonight, writing this paper all alone in my apartment and knowing I'll be tired again come tomorrow, and I'll be doing all this again, god help me.

I love her. I want to help her. I want to do things for her, whenever I can, however i can. But she needs to do her own homework every once in a while. I'll do all her feminism just fine, I know she couldn't stand that, ever. But I can't handle all this biology shit too, on top of everything on my plate. AND she expects me to finish our CMV before Animinni? At this rate? Not gonna fucking happen.

I'm losing precious sleep typing this up because i'm not even done with her paper. i'mjust

i want it all to end sometimes

I think i finally get it. after, well enough people tease you for it, calling you something, and you start to wonder if you're exactly what they call you after all. Murderer, delinquent, queer... whatever it is, we tend to take on the roles we're given. in my case, at least for this, my nakama and my brother joked about it. they didn't mean anything by it, except maybe teme, but she wasn't meaning to be cruel. i think she was trying to show me, help me realize . . .

( Awkward realizations about my self ahead. you've been warned )